求英语好的人来看看这篇短文有没有什么用得不好的或用错的地方(不管大小写,最好指出我写作文的不足）谢谢

求英语好的人来看看这篇短文有没有什么用得不好的或用错的地方(不管大小写,最好指出我写作文的不足）谢谢
today,i wanna talk to you about the popular music.you konw,nowadays many teenagers enjoy popular music ,bcause it can make you feel relaxed ,and sometimes it even can ease the pressure .the popular music started in the 19th century ,it covers country music,disco ,punk ,rap,rock and so on .
now,there are many brilliant singers .i really love westlife's music ,their music is in the irish style ,their music is lyrical music ,the songs are usuallly very peaceful .of all their songs ,the one called all or nothing i like best.
there is a Korean group called bigbang .they are really something their style is different from westlife's ,but i enjoy their music very much .most of their songs are full of a strong sense of rhythm and yuo feel excited when you listen to them .the leader of this group is a creative singer ,many of the songs are written by him ,the lyrics are usually very sad .their songs like tonight ,stupid lair and love song are all perfect compositions!

today,i wanna talk to you about （the） popular music.you konw,nowadays many teenagers enjoy popular music ,because it can make you feel relaxed ,and sometimes it even can ease the pressure .（the） popular music started in the 19th century ,it includes (covers) country music,disco ,punk ,rap,rock and so on .
now,there are many brilliant singers .i really love westlife's music ,their music is (in) the irish style (,their music is) lyrical music ,the songs are usuallly very peaceful.(of)among all their songs ,the one called 'all or nothing' i like best.
there is a Korean group called bigbang .they are really (something) marvlous people!their style is different from westlife's ,but i enjoy their music very much .most of their songs are full of a strong sense of rhythm and (yuo) you would feel excited when you listen to them .the leader of this group is a creative singer ,many of the songs are written by him (,)and the lyrics are usually very sad .their songs like ‘tonight’ ,‘stupid lair’ and ‘love song’ are all perfect compositions!
帮你简单改了一些语法上的问题,比原来好些了.（括号里的是你原来的,不需要的部分）
要把它的内容改得更好只有靠你自己了.
不足的话.用词有点简单了（看多写书背多些单词吧）,而且一段一段都用逗号连接(使文章很不连贯） - 应该用多一些介词,例如,and,however..还有试试看不要全部都用短的简单的句子,试试看用不同长度的句子.不要用太多,there is,there are,they are,their...这种来开头.试试看换换顺序.一个句子该停的时候就要停了,不要用逗号什么的增加长度.
好好努力吧!还有好多需要学习的地方~