求英语小笑话字不多无所谓,但是要50来个,不要重复大哥大姐快帮忙,知道几个说几个啊!

求英语小笑话字不多无所谓,但是要50来个,不要重复大哥大姐快帮忙,知道几个说几个啊!
希望字少点我急用啊

Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now,can anyone give me a good example?
　　John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.
　　老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理.现在,谁给我举个例子?
　　约翰：嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短.
　　Best time
　　Teacher:When is the best time to pick the fruit form the trees?
　　Student:When the watchman is not there.
　　1.Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
　　2.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
　　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
　　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
　　3.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
　　Endearingterms可爱的称呼
　　Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
　　Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐.在朋友家,Bernie发现,不管问他老婆什么问题,Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼,象蜜糖,我的爱人,亲爱的,甜心等等.Bernie对Morris说,“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的,结婚这么多年了,你还叫她叫得那么亲密.”Morris低下头,小声地对Bernie说,“老实跟你说吧,三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了.”
　　我把他吊起来让他晾干
　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
　　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."
　　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人.一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部.Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把Jim拉了上来.
　　当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室,“Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你.好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了.坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了.”
　　Mary说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干.”
　　allybaby
　　Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
　　两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸.另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话.接线员沉着地说：“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡.”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办?”
　　A Good Boy
　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　"She is the one who sells the candy."
　　好孩子
　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说. “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
　　“她是个卖糖果的.”
　　Drunk
　　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
　　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
　　He Won
　　Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
　　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
　　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
　　他赢了
　　汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
　　约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤.
　　汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
　　约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了.
　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket
　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里
　　伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”
　　“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说.
　　“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问.
　　“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说.“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢.”
　　A Good Boy
　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　"She is the one who sells the candy."
　　Drunk
　　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
　　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
　　醉酒
　　一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家.这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题.他向父亲发问道：“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察.如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了.” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
　　Hospitality
　　The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
　　好客
　　由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意.这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子.过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里. 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好.你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生.”那小男孩说.
　　Itworked真的有效
　　Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
　　"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
　　"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
　　Tom早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到.他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼.于是,Tom去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药.Tom照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了.Tom从容不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了.
　　“老板”,Tom说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!”
　　FiveHundredTimes五百遍
　　In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."
　　在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里,一位年轻女士被带到法官面前,她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单.女士向法官解释,她是一名学校老师,请求法官马上处理她的案子,以便可以赶回去上课.法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠,说道:“你是学校的老师,对吗?女士,我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了.在那张桌子旁坐下,写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍.”
　　Sharing the Apples
　　Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
　　So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
　　Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
　　Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?
　　分苹果
　　妈妈给了哈里两个苹果,一个大一点,另一个小点儿.跟妹妹分着吃.妈妈说.
　　所以,哈里就把小个的给了妹妹,自己开始啃那个大个的.
　　哼,妹妹说,如果妈妈给了我,我会把大的给你,把小的留给自己的.
　　对呀,哈里说,你拿到的不就是小的吗?还着什么急呀?
　　Frog
　　The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, Now I'll show you
　　this frog in my pocket. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a
　　chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
　　That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.
　　青蛙
　　老师正在给学生上生物课：现在,我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙.接着,他把手伸进口袋,却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治.老师满脸困惑地看了一眼,沉思了一会儿,说道：真奇怪.我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了.
　　An Ugly Woman
　　Mike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party.
　　Mary: Why was that?
　　Mike: She wasn't wearing one.
　　丑女
　　麦克：一次舞会上,当大家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具时,她非常尴尬.
　　玛丽：为什么会那样呢?
　　麦克：她根本就没有带面具.
　　Nest and Hair
　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
　　"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
　　鸟窝与头发
　　我姐姐是一位小学老师.一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝.
　　“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她.
　　“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝.”那孩子回答说.
　　“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道.
　　“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样.”
　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue
　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
　　我刚咬破自己的舌头
　　“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲.
　　“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”
　　“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头.”
　　Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
　　A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
　　猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子.
　　Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
　　A: By treading on his corn?
　　如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气
　　Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
　　A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
　　因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的.你说呢?
　　Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
　　A: They make faces all day.
　　一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面.
　　Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
　　A: Keep him awake.
　　怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉.虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了.
　　He is really somebody
　　-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
　　-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
　　-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
　　他真是一个大人物
　　-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人.
　　-- 他真是一个大人物.干什么的?
　　-- 墓地守墓人.
　　Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
　　Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
　　Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
　　我的狗不识字
　　布朗夫人：哦,
　　亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!
　　史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!
　　布朗夫人：没有用的,我的小狗不认识字.”
　　英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
　　-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
　　-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
　　-- Well, bring me the winner then.
　　给我那个打赢的吧
　　-- 服务员,
　　这个龙虾只有一只爪.
　　-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了.
　　-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧.
　　英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"
　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
　　吝啬鬼请客
　　一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了.他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.”
　　“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
　　“你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答.